I didn't give up improving, I gave up posting. But I'm not going to do that, so I'm posting again.
A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty rotten about myself. I had been working out since I started posting and I wasn't getting any results on the scale. My legs looked better, but that's about it. And I was having a rotten week and sulking. Then on FB a friend noted the anniversary of the death of someone I went to high school with. She died of leukemia and left behind a 2 year old daughter and horribly distraught husband. This girl has battled anorexia during high school, she was in ballet and completely obsessed with how she looked. Where had it gotten her, and then I think of all the people she left that were so sad, or would never know her and basically I felt like an enormous asshole for caring so much what the scale said and not just living.
Then the shootings happened at the movie theater and I wanted to leave this crazy country and find somewhere quiet to live.
I want to keep working out, but I cannot obsess to the detriment of my mental wellbeing. R and I are entering a part of our lives where the kids are grown and on their own and I should be so happy and excited about what I'm going to do. Not standing in my underwear in front of a mirror saying terrible things to myself about how I look. I need to start being nice to myself, no matter what I look like or I will never be happy, no matter what the scale says.