I didn't give up improving, I gave up posting. But I'm not going to do that, so I'm posting again.
A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty rotten about myself. I had been working out since I started posting and I wasn't getting any results on the scale. My legs looked better, but that's about it. And I was having a rotten week and sulking. Then on FB a friend noted the anniversary of the death of someone I went to high school with. She died of leukemia and left behind a 2 year old daughter and horribly distraught husband. This girl has battled anorexia during high school, she was in ballet and completely obsessed with how she looked. Where had it gotten her, and then I think of all the people she left that were so sad, or would never know her and basically I felt like an enormous asshole for caring so much what the scale said and not just living.
Then the shootings happened at the movie theater and I wanted to leave this crazy country and find somewhere quiet to live.
I want to keep working out, but I cannot obsess to the detriment of my mental wellbeing. R and I are entering a part of our lives where the kids are grown and on their own and I should be so happy and excited about what I'm going to do. Not standing in my underwear in front of a mirror saying terrible things to myself about how I look. I need to start being nice to myself, no matter what I look like or I will never be happy, no matter what the scale says.
When the birdies leave the nest it can be a very difficult time for some mother birds. I went through similar things that you are talking about in this post. Reading it I could relate to your feelings. It has been many years since then and I survived, but sometimes I didn't think I would ever get over the loneliness without the kids around every day. It was so awkward redefining my role in life again. I too went on a diet thinking that I would just reinvent myself...but in the end I was still me, but a few pounds lighter. I did learn to love myself, and rediscover the things that made me happy and gave my life meaning before the kids came along. Now I have grandchildren and I am loving this new role even more than mom.
ReplyDeleteI hate that I found your blog after you stopped posting. You know it is never too late to pick it up again, it could be a great resource for exploring your new life as an empty-nester. There are a lot of us out there :-)
Hope you come back to blogging...or do whatever else brings you true happiness.
Holly