Friday, June 29, 2012

Happy Place

So, the dreaded weight in was this morning, just me alone in the bathroom, light off, stepping onto the glass bastard. 4 pounds still lost :) - yes, I waited two weeks after my return to check. But let's not talk about that.

Today in the dirty South the temperature is set to hit 104, with a heat index of 108. No good reason to go outside as far as I can tell. So, instead I've spread a huge tarp over my living room floor, laid down a 4 x 6 canvas, and have been behaving like Jackson Pollock, although I'm not smoking or drunk (yet). While I wait for the layers in-between to dry, I'm writing. Hibernation in reverse, and it's great!

The hiking trip is off, the mountains are going to be just as stinking hot, so this weekend, we will simply turn up the a/c and turn on the Tour de France. There will be beer and napping involved.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Pepper Spray

The fashionable accessory for any 5am solo exerciser. I carry the car keys in my sports bra, R's suggestion, a bottle of water, my iPhone for tunes and pepper spray. I'm a pack mule. I have a runner's belt but feel like it's overkill to strap on something that you're supposed to wear during marathon's when I'm pretty much just walking. However, if someone ever did just jump out of the bushes to attack me, I would have to ask them to wait a sec so that I could put everything down to get access to the pepper spray.

Walking up a very lonely hill this morning I came upon a man and woman having an argument on the sidewalk in front of what I presume was their residence. I'm so glad I'm not in my twenties anymore, seriously people, not worth it. Go to bed, get up, give him the stink eye when you hand him his coffee (doesn't matter who's fault it was) so he knows you're still angry, and make up by dinner. Life's too short.

R said we might skip tomorrow. He might be just testing me, so I have to play my hand carefully. Just the thought of not getting up tomorrow at 4:30 is making my eyes well. Will buy one (or two) lovely bottles of wine tonight and ply him with liquor before bed so that he's in no shape to change his mind. Off to the mountains this weekend for a hike. Which is code for leave the 103 degree temps of the city.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Slight Problem with 4:30

And not what you're thinking either. That's obvious. At 4:30 you're supposed to be asleep. The less obvious problem is waking up at 4:30 gives me approximately 3 more hours in the day to be hungry and try to ignore it. Of course exercising also makes you hungry. I'm trying to eat what I normally do in an effort to lose weight. Calories in and calories out bullshit. But I'm hungrier.

I've never been a good snacker. It's like napping for me, totally unsatisfying. If I'm tired, I want to sleep, not nap, so I avoid it. Seems very unproductive to sleep for two hours in the middle of the day while everyone works. Snacking is more difficult. I have a snack, it is unsatisfying, so then I have  the meal that I was trying to avoid by snacking. Basically I just had an appetizer and added 140 calories to a meal.  So my master plan is to wait until I can't wait any longer and then have the meal, sans snack. The three extra hours is making this a challenge. But like anything, I'm sure I'll get used to it. Like being friendly to people I don't like, or telling a decorating client that the brown sofa they just bought is absolutely what their room needed.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Bad Blogging Form

R told me that when you go on vacation you're supposed to tell your readers that you're going on vacation so that they don't think you just quit blogging. I was on vacation and will make sure I properly update you on my whereabouts in the future.

It's 8:35 am and I have been up for 4 hours. Logged 4 miles walking, cleaned the kitchen, made R's lunch, drove him to work, made my "Laura's trying to be heathy" shake and now I would very much like a nap. Oh, and the cat keeps barfing, which I've cleaned up three times, and the turtle shit all over our bathroom, which is very unusual for him, don't know what's up. But basically I think I've done a days work just in cleaning up animal fluids alone.

R and I went to Paris, my favorite place on the whole planet. I haven't had the nerve to look to see if the four pounds I lost are still lost or if I've found them. We basically ate Paris out of food. It was lovely! After being vegetarian for 13 years we've gone back on the meat, so we had menu options while there that were previously ignored and we had all of them. We've started eating meat again due in part to our son's decision to go to culinary school and me not wanting to pass up what he learns to cook.

Every morning for one week I had a croissant, cafe cream (coffee with steamed milk) and a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice. Can I just tell you that that kicks the shit out of my morning shake. During the rest of the day and night I basically just tried to consume as much cheese as possible. And I did a decent job with that. Only one hangover, and considering that we started drinking wine every day around lunch time I think that's pretty successful. Tip - 5 kir royals is too many, especially when combined with the wine you have with dinner.

Going to be hard core for 5 weeks, R isn't traveling so it's up every morning at 4:30 for exercise until the end of July. I should look amazing, except for the bags and dark circles under my eyes. I also have a renewed reason for dedicating myself to learning French, our friends in Paris said I can come and stay with them anytime I like for a week or two. R's a bit nervous I won't come back.

Our son will be leaving for Canada and then Italy for the summer next week. In return we will be getting an Italian. My son cooks, this kid better cook! He also better do laundry. He's going to have a hard transition otherwise, I have enough trouble keeping my own shit together.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Back amongst the living

Two days of vile sickness followed one of the best days I've ever had. Super hard to impart witticisms when you're wearing track pants and folded into the fetal position. That is when you're not in the bathroom playing guess which orifice is going to punish me this time??!!  Feeling much better this morning, fingers crossed.

The anniversary trip, 24 hours in NYC with R, was amazing! I knew that I was getting sick but held myself together and I don't think R had a clue. In fact I was so convincing I think even my body believed my own bullshit for the day, that's the only explanation for why it waited until returning to Charlotte to turn me inside out. So even thought it was really mean to me Thursday and Friday, I would like to thank it for behaving itself Wednesday.

The morning started with breakfast at the Ritz on Central Park. And when your day starts at the Ritz, the bar is set pretty high. In all my wisdom I thought it was perfectly ok to wear my platform wedges for a day filled with walking. I was already quit fucked by the time we arrived at MOMA, which wasn't very far away from the hotel. But thought it too soon to complain since I had been repeatedly warned by R. After the tiniest little security guards with very official walkie talkies let us into the museum we did what we always do. Go to two exhibits before getting bored and heading to the gift shop, where we spend scads of time. Not sure when we'll learn that if we don't spend $50 on admission, we'll have $50 more to spend at the gift shop.

From there we went to MOOD fabrics. A certified Project Runway addict will understand my need to visit this joint. It was so awesome I forgot my feet hurt. I think I touched every piece of fabric in the place, even R wasn't bored, it's that amazing. I geeked out on fabric for 40 minutes than bought my "Thank You Mood" T-shirt. At this point we were hungry again. What better place to have lunch than the outdoor restaurant at Bryant Park, where they do the Project Runway finale? Lunch was delish, a little rose to help wash it down.

It was useless to pretend anymore, I needed to buy flats urgently. We went straight to Zara, where I scored a lovely pair of royal blue ballet flats. My feet took 1/2 to forgive me, but they finally did. After walking some more we headed back to the Ritz for an afternoon nap before dinner. I still had no idea what was planned for the evening, but apparently we were going to be up late, cause R doesn't nap.

When we awoke and got ourselves looking refreshed and glammed up we headed out to dinner. Unfortunately the acquisition of a cab at 6:15pm is a contact sport and we were quite late for our reservation. We ate dinner and drank a bottle of champagne like we had entered a state fair eating contest.
Even thought the food only passed over our tongues, with barely a chance to touch, it was divine. Our lovely hostess took it upon herself to grab the next taxi so that we wouldn't be late for the theater. It started to pour down rain while we were in the cab, and in true NY fashion, the cab driver deemed us close enough and stopped a block away from the Majestic. Cue scene of dressed up couple running down a wet New York street laughing...

I have been in love with the Phantom of the Opera since before I was in love with R. It happened while I was in Fashion school. We were putting on a fashion show for the Festival of Fashion and Music of the Night was one of the songs the models walked to, wearing beautiful evening dresses. I was forever entranced. I bought the score from the original London cast and learned every word, every nuance. When I met R, I shared my love for it with him. Our wedding song was supposed to be All I Ask of You, but due to an enormous fuck-up by the bargain basement DJ that didn't happen. At any rate, I had this built up to a point where I almost didn't want to see a performance because I didn't think it could live up to what I had in my head. I was so wrong! It was the most amazing, breathtaking dream come true. I don't know how many times I cried, but it started with the first line or the opera. I can't thank R enough for giving me that experience.

The night was capped off with a carriage ride through Central Park were R enjoyed a cigar and we both did not enjoy the bad bubbly juice we picked up at the only open store. We entered the Ritz for a night cap and managed to score scotch that was $100 a shot for $20 because of the generosity of a waiter, who's ass is going to be kicked by the bartender for the next week. I didn't want it to end. Can I hit replay??

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Anniversary Eve

Well, 4 lbs, not too bad, honestly after the last time I weighed myself I wasn't expecting it.

And yesterday, after trying on three lovely dresses that didn't look nice at all I was feeling pretty discouraged - BUT, then I tried on the perfect dress and was all better. I can't wait to go meet up with R in NYC, it's going to be an epic day. I hope the rain holds off so that we can explore the city all day. And by explore, we usually walk for two hours, then stop somewhere and eat. We're not very touristy. I have many things that need attention today. I will do my nails tonight right before bed in an effort not to jack them up like I always do after spending 45 minutes filing and painting.

Nasty man just walked past my balcony holding up his pants while he walked, with his nasty brown underwear hanging out. EW.

Monday, June 4, 2012


WOW, not that kind of late, just late posting this morning. Busy as shit today, Mondays!

Two days away from celebrating our 20th anniversary and I'm feeling very nostalgic. It really has been a crazy exciting adventure to be married to R. Not being one to disappoint, he has tricks up his tailored sleeve for our big day in New York on Wednesday. I really hope the weather cooperates, it doesn't look promising. I'm supposed to bring a dress, can get quite done up apparently. That means comfy day shoes, high night shoes, and flats for the aftermath.

Dreaded weigh in tomorrow. Send me positive vibes.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Instant Gratification

Let's run through my day to see why the frustration builds up to the point of screaming shall we? I wake up in the morning refreshed after having a good nights sleep (let's play pretend on that one because you and I both know it's a lie). The bags under my eyes are gone. I need to wake up, so I have a coffee, it works, every time. I'm hungry so I make my potion, drink it and I'm not hungry anymore. Should it be time for a hair cut/color, I go to the salon and when I leave, my hair looks great. Nails jacked, no problem, a trip to the nail salon will fix quick snap. Dirty clothes, one wash, fixed. Dirty body, one wash, fixed. Messy house, one clean, fixed.

Why the fuck do I exercise day in and day out, starve myself silly (and today bitchy) to get no result what so ever. Go to the gym, burn 500 calories, leave looking worse. Cause now I'm pudgy and sweaty. People would work out every friggin day if when they left the gym it actually looked like they had gone. But it doesn't work that way does it?!!  You have to go, in my case, for something like 6 months before you get one nice person - usually someone you tip like your stylist - ask if you've been doing something. That's why people are obsessed with telling people via twitter and Facebook that they've gone to the gym. Because if you didn't tell them they wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at you. I used to be annoyed with all the status updates "off to the gym," Jim just checked into Useless Fitness, "so tired from my workout." But these people are just trying to keep themselves sane. They want someone to tell them it's worth it, it's working.

There's a place somewhere in Africa where skinny men and fat women are socially perfect. I wonder how many air miles it takes to get there. Oprah found it, of course.